boring and rigid

boring, boring, boring.....  my life is boring.... and what else could it be???? U can't change the world so change urself... What the fuck??? Ok, I'm whining but it is too HOT!!! I just want to sleep, or be generally lazy... and nobody cares anyway of a womans word... never has and never will...
But i'm beginning to get fed up of boozing every day and night. I remember there was a time i did not booze. No, i liked to keep my brain clear and sparkling. But now as i don't know how to get on and forget the shit and advance to new pastures i do booze. To forget i suppose. Why nothing happens? Why am i nothing and my words less still?
What do i want? I don't know... nothing, i suppose. What should i want? money and success? a bigger house? no, too big already... more friends? yäk, i dont like anyone...  Most people are fat and slobby and stupid - why  should i like them? i dont!!!
Mom was thirty when she left. Just went out and never came back. That was cool, still is! Wish i could do the same. I just dont have anything to leave, no-one. So i can't walk out and be gone. Nobody would notice.

So i'm not going anywhere on doing anything.