July 30, 2011

fuck this world!!!

this morning the bloody memory lane brought me my first bra! it was white with darker blue lace - my only size A bra ever!! I was twelve and wanted to be a boy!! i didn't want a bra!

How many times i have wanted to be a man? countless!!!  and why - because those bloody screamers get everything so easily and i get nothing!  now you roll your eyes and say that - but that's not true!! and i say that - but it is!!

you know, that when a guy gets twenty he goes to army! it is his duty. the state pays the rent of his apartment while he is in service. and there he gets food, lodgings, clothes and everything he needs from medical attention to play station! sieg heil!!

and when a gal turns twenty she gets pregnant! oh dear! she is not even married! haven't been able to get a man for herself, but buns in the oven hahahaa!!! she is a whore, bloody hooker!! can't keep her legs crossed, idiot!! and how does the state promote her feminity and motherhood? by paying the lowest possible social aid...  no roof no food nothing - either she does everything herself or is without!!! and is she has a job it is the employer that pays, not the state - it is a huge anomality in treatment...

if the money or even some money that is poured in weapons and killing would be paid to mothers and children... and even that shit when you 'have to work and take the baby to daycare - we have the best in the world!!' you can not take care of the child yourself, no: you wont be paid for it, you get money just from other people's kids! and that is equality??? but it is 'eqalite and fraternite' - no mention of women there either!!


oh shit, nothing ever happens!!! just endless misery...

May 22, 2011

just passing through...

I tried to link here a video of Syrian riots and the dead, but it just turned on some 'sex-and-sarah-palin' -stuff - is youtube in league with Assads?

You have to have a birthday. today is mine. I'm old. Never mind... I don't mind as long as I don't realise it, that is: feel it in my bones... and I don't. I feel just the same as ever. Mostly horny.

But that bloody Syria... It doesn't help them, the publicity. All of us who want to know can watch those videos and nothing happens. Maybe it is money? On the other hand it could be a kind of fear: if we go and interfere, they shall come and interfere our things. Probably both.

I never liked television: it was like a tap and shit would flow from it and there was nothing you could do but take the shit.

Yes, it was supposed to go on but i forgot where...

May 20, 2011

the touch - how can i live

without it! NO WAY! But then i think of all those women that have been cut, their clitoris removed - and they can NEVER experience the joy of orgasm! So it is said - i thought that as they still have the g-point... but it is said that it doesn't function without clit - they have the same nerve knot... It is just so sad, so silently inconsolable grief...

.
this is a very tender pic...





and after all it is both of them that suffer - the joy of coming together is so immense, that you just make it a habit!


and this is better than the dead little girls with bullet holes instead  of eyes... but you just can't forget them...

May 12, 2011

omg

I'd love to do that... and somewhere else too...



Public places are so arousing and make me horny...

May 10, 2011

it is hard

to keep your head and pride, not to cringe to anyone. Just have the facts. Facts are facts, you can't deny them - you can walk over them, forget or ignore,  but they remain facts! =)

do y u know why...

May 08, 2011

LYNX LYNX

In an early morning five years ago I saw a lynx walking on the field just some metres away. It was surprisingly high and un-catlike in the faint morning mist. And it did move my heart. Gave me a piece of the wildness from it's heart - we shared that moment. And went our separate ways.


 This is a dead animal, but it did walk the wilds, hunted and slept in cold night and days... and now it is gone - just the shell remains...

Been a prisoner


here, in this house for 20 years. It is a fucking long time. Just one or two nights away once or twice a year. Never a holiday. Always at service. Might call that loyalty. Responsibility. LOVE.





Unbelievable if you start to think about it. Don't. It is just absolute freedom: I have chosen my prison. Not others. Not any belief I had or ambition.  And that, I believe, is ultimate freedom. 
Take it or leave it ---

I don't like competition,

I like unique. 

And then you are lonely. Alone. No-one cares. Never mind. I can stand it. I've stood it all my life!

May 07, 2011

some ... of style

“Base your fashion choices on what you want to feel.”
“Remember.  Bright colors are modern and trendy.”
“Trends come and go.  But as long as you dress for your body, you’ll always look good.”
“Cut is always more important than color.”
“You can always find the right clothes, if you know your body.”
“The way you dress is one way to tell the world who you are.”
“Be honest about what you like about your body.  Then simply highlight it in your style.”
“If you’re going to be stylish, you have to look in the mirror and like what you see.”
“Style can be an obstacle or a tool.  It can be an obstacle that blocks, if you let it. Or it can be a tool to help you feel the way you want to feel.”
“With age should come wisdom – and that includes your style.”
“Style can’t replace what you feel about yourself.  But style can enhance what you feel about yourself.”
“If you want to dress like the stars, remember celebrity style has to be filtered through you for your body.”
“Before you buy clothes you should always ask two questions: Are you going to use them enough and will they bring you joy?”
“With personal style, you get to paint your own canvas – your body.”

“Scars on the inside and out – they make you who you are.”
“Notice.  But don’t judge.”
“Aspiring to be an impossible Hollywood standard denies us to be who we really are.”
“Who you are doesn’t just come from what you are wearing.”
“Don’t let the internalization of images around you rule your style.  Know yourself.”
“Instead of using someone else as your aspiration, remember you are as unique as snowflakes.  Start with you.”
“Say yes to your body.  Say yes to your image.”
“Teach yourself to be accepting of who you are.”
“You are who you are.  There is no one like you.  Remember, you’re as unique as a snowflake.”
“Build your life on top of what you’ve been given.  Do the same with your style.”
“If you want inspiration, just look in the mirror.”

May 04, 2011

a word of a woman - hah!

It means nothing - a word of a woman. Only AGGRESSION  is worth reacting! Isn't it funny? And all my life I have been told vv! Why have they been conning me? Put of ignorance? Naive! Out of malice, just because they can, because narcists do not feel guilt! And this I have seen and met all my years, and they are many - my years, I mean. Nothing ever changesss....

When a man kills he is a hero. When a woman kills she is a treacherous, sly bitch. Simple justice based on an authoritarian and hierarchic thinking deeply rooted in human backbone.

You should always gain authority by your own doing, not hierarchy, because you change and the position achieved yesterday is not valid today...  But they sit there evermore, those old men long since rotten on their asses with pile! Nothing functions ...  Maybe it is basically envy: every bloody woman - even the dirtiest whore or beggar, can create life, and no man how ever high and mighty is able to do the same. So they kill.

A boy is 19 or 20 yrs old and he goes to the ARMY! He will be made a MAN. He'll get clothes, lodging, food and money, and them he'll get expensive toys to play with... planes and submarines and submachineguns etc.

A girl is 19 or 20 yrs old an she gets PREGNANT! She is a WHORE! Not even married! She gets nothing but contempt and underrating - she is a guilty and ignorant fool not to understand her own best and MARRY! That is the way of a proper, decent and respectable girl!!! To surrender, yield and submit, yezzzz.... And THEN you shall get safety and care and LOVE!!!

I just did not see it as my way... I'd had rather taken the gun than submitted - and in a way I did, but my gun was my pride, the only thing I've ever had - and the cuts it made were deep and deadly.  No looking back, (grin) no regrets - just on we go, me and my loneliness! There is nothing anyone can do.

THE ONLY THING I'M GUILTY OF IS LIVING!

May 02, 2011

heat

She felt him in her guts. He got hard every time he saw her. That was all they wanted. But there were other things like bloody life wanting some living done, other than fucking.

He walked past her and she let  her hand slip and touch him. No way to stop it. He lay on his back on the table and she riding on him. hard. deep. just one minute. intense minute of heat and it was over.

She let a low dark sound and he growled. The day moved on...

April 28, 2011

Linen, hand embroidered


so little it takes to destroy...

This piece of clothing is made of linen - very straight and simple to give room to the material - and embroidered by hand with a spider and a grass. Nice and cool summer slip!

The little girl shall never have a summer blouse. Neither shall the boy. They will never feel the breeze ruffling their hair or a puppy climbing to ones lap. They'll never run in the cool air of early evening or see the moon on the night sky. Never. They do not exist anymore because of some ones hunger for power. Yes, so it is, power...

April 27, 2011

nice and comfortable rags...

And so it is that you are what you eat and talk and wear... and maybe see, too. Nice and comfortable clothes are important - it means also that they are environment-friendly and biologically disposable. Wool - I've always loved wool, soft and comfy and sheep grow it again and again - linen, silk, cotton to some extent, viscose and modal (both made of cellulose) are all such materials.

Spring means light and clear colours, like here white, blue and bright red. The white top is made of linen. Jeans are, as usual, of cotton and with lots of zippers everywhere, The blue tank top is cotton and the belt and shoes  leather. All durable and usable, easy to wear...


 The jumper has trendy holes...
Linen jumper and orange glaspearls.
 Blue cotton tanktop, cotton jeans with red leather belt and shoes - really beautiful shoes!
 And another linen jumper...
with a long string of pearls...

April 26, 2011

Difference between prettyness and power

Syria rebels send a constant flow of video from the country as borders are closed...
Yes, a lot of people on the street and children...
When we remember what happened 1982 - is it possible for them - Assads - to do it again?
 Israa Yunis - was she nine?
Just a boy...

April 24, 2011

In a Glass cubicle

It is said that women have a glass roof - I don't see it like that. I think that it is not a glass roof but a glass cubicle. What ever you do is twisted to something else and if you don't want to explain and explain so nothing ever happens. I don't know what happens if you choose to explain and nag - perhaps you'll just have to continua nagging forever... I do not nag. I don't like to be nagged at. I want things to happen. Not words. Sorry, if that is a crime, but when I see how 'the cock train' keeps gaining speed just by being ordinary... It is humiliating: drunken guys are always better than you. Why? How much does a woman have to do, how brilliant has she to be to gain the same momentum as the average guy? Or is it just so that only boys are accepted to teams... because only boys can play in teams... because girls are so... What the fuck?++ What are the girls? When nothing you do or nothing you say has any meaning so you sure are nothing!

It is an old way of punishing in tribes when  capital punishment was not allowed: the guilty one was not 'seen' any more, he or she did not exist. The others just looked through her/him. Most died in few week.  Some left and either died in the wilderness or survived alone. I did survive.


And now, when I tried again the situation is exactly the same.  Pathetic...  In my art reason is the final weapon, the guillotine... I know there is nothing, no consolation but death, and that is exactly what I'm not going to do. Because I want to do movies, because coincidence is as good or better than your words! Because once more I have seen that words mean nothing... nothing... nothiun... nhoiuiun hiuoo ...

April 23, 2011

The Siege


Misurata, Libya


They were no soldiers, many had never seen a AK-47 but in pictures. There was no discipline, no order and it was a mess - in the beginning. But slowly they understood and those who could use weapons were in the frontline and the others practiced. And took care of the checking points and such in the city. 

An ordinary, a bit fat owner of a car repair shop - he was not a rebel, he had even been to Gaddafi's army, but he joins them because that is the only way forward. And he knows some of the guns and how to use them. He is also a good organizer and loses weight with increasing speed. Has a wife and grown kids.

A teacher of history, devoted muslim and a father of three. He sits in a room with a hole in the wall with a sniper rifle and shoots people. On the table he has a Curan and a glass of water. He is very dedicated and accurate - no bullets lost. 

A doctor who sleeps standing and is finally broken as he watches his nephews five year old daughter die of a head wound  unable to do anything. But other wounded are waiting and the show must go on.

A young pilot, who realizes it must have been his missile that went to a wrong target killing many. Such things happen but the guilt is not so easy and faceless as you imagine.

The journalist covering the situation inside the besieged city: stories from the street,  over crowded hospitals, mosques, schools. The city is deteriorating by bombings and constant gunfire, buildings burning and full of holes. Cluster bombs and white phosphorus make their terrible marks and no-one really cares...

There are also photographers covering the fighting. They are not so popular among the rebels but it is understood that they are necessary: the international community wants to see what is happening and if any help is expected... And then they get a full load; five photographers are hit, two die, two are wounded, and one tells the story... on his fb page even before their families are noticed. (The page is shut from public when this is noticed.)

And then there is acarvin in Washington DC - Andy Carvin - delivering all this immediately to the world via Twitter. Videos - graphic - streaming through Youtube and short messages sent and received. ( The guy is going to get next year  the Pulitzer that was not delivered this year...) 




And they all live their daily life becoming harder and surviving night by night, dying and leaving others to continue until ...







Woman who? There on the spot...

If they would have had mobiles in concentration camps would it have made a difference? Maybe not...  They had tv-cams in Ruanda and Serbia: we all knew but nothing happened!  Is it because the international community is unable - or unwilling - to react, and why? We do react  in natural catastrophies... so why not to man-made? It is like domestic violence, private - can you interfere? But is that not why the community exists? At homes it is the physically weaker wife who usually gets beaten, and kids, of course are beaten by both. In a country women are shut of and restricted as are kids - both suffer while men play heroes!
And what is so great in fighting? Seems to me that wars and rebel,lions come after regular intervals and are needed to 'clear the vision', to wash away the unnecessary burdens. Of course they leave traumas but  one might see those traumas as necessary and natural parts of life... You just learn to live with them, grow into them and perhaps they are the force that prevents new wars to occure during there lifetime.
I think that somehow the net has changed the meaning of private and public - you should not hang in the old ways when the times change, no. You should accept the change and ride the waves. You should let go of the past, let go the rules and let go  your friends and lovers. There shall be a new world to explore, build and develope... At least so it is said... but in reality you won't have a new world, no. Someone just shows you where you belong and spits on you...  wandering jew as u r...

the use of youtube material? as the people watch them in comps...
the stories of these people...

- Flashes in The Dark -

She is a student. She shall dress as a man and has a  cam and sneaks on the streets...

Was it worth it?


Cruel April

And why so? Because the snow has gone but the green is not yet. All there is: dry dead hay, moleholes, dead leaves and sadness. Nothing will ever change, it is just the same stupidity that prevails. Same  loneliness, same longing for consolation and ever the same disappointment - nothing is nothing is nothing. And I am not (many things)! It is so sad...

April 09, 2011

my motto has always been 'Noblesse Oblige'

A bit high-flying, maybe, but proved many times over and so TRUE!

I don't care about money, it comes and goes and is useful. I've never liked competition -why? result is often coincidental and anything done in hurry is poorly built.

I JUST WANT TO HIT THE TARGET!

April 05, 2011

Layers of darkness


A manuscript for a film - but you can't write a movie with words!  Words are not enough! They lack the                visual and the rhythm... 



Oneliner: They are young, spend time together, make love all three, and then the boys die... and she is so alone -He's been badly treated, mental cruelty, by his parents, and one day in cold rage he shoots them... 
and this girl meets this boy in an enchanted cafe, the lost souls....




Synopsis: Niki has two boyfriends - they form a happy trefoil. They'll soon be twenty, they have this secret,          own  life, old car, hot summer and the rosy future opening in front of them. Then one October night the boys  get killed in a car accident. Niki is alone. She can not talk to anyone. because nobody knew, and no- one would accept the idea of a girl and two guys. The sorrow is crushing and Niki is placed in mental care.  Next summer the depression starts to lift and she moves to her own apartment making plans for studies and future. 
But her consciousness is confused: she can hear the boys talking and she can occasionally see them walking on the street or sitting somewhere, laughing and happy. The longing won't ease it's grip and she doesn't want any help. She decides to die.

One september day she just goes driving and knows, that she'll never return. The end shall be like a long-expected sleep after a tedious day. On the journey there is a stop-check ahead, and she turns to a  narrow side road. It takes her to a village with a small factory, a river and a cafe in a blue house.

Boy is the first-born of ambitious parents: trained ever since birth, always towards next target, better and more complete, always an object of criticism and never accepted, ever inadequate. Boy is 23 and he knows, that nothing is enough. Somehow he is unable to go away from home, tear himself off from his father's circle of influence: his nonexistent self-esteem would break without the whip of a trainer, a goal. 
Finally the pressure becomes unbearable. Boy shoots his parents. First mother and then father. He is free. He knows that the freedom shall only last for a short while: he'll be caught and sentenced to prison, but for that moment he wants to live! He takes his fathers motorbike and starts for the roads of early autumn. He drives until he comes to a village with an old factory, a river and a blue cafe.

The cafe is like a dream: jukebox, that plays the music of your soul, Madame, who knows what is needed, and the air to take you to the realm of secret feelings. Niki and Boy dance, dead souls touch and are awakened. Madame gives them a key and shows them the road: - Follow that road for ten miles and there you'll find peace...

The villa is old, by the lake. One can see and feel the autumn. Fire is burning and those two children, abandoned by life, can love each other for a moment. They tell the other everything they never could say in words - their longing, pain, phantoms and oppression, that destroyed the life of one and the other. And undisguised as well by soul as body  they except life, this  and each other, touch and are one for that timeless, shapeless, stolen week.

The telephone rings in the villa and Madame says: - They are on the way... Boy knows. He tells Niki to take the car and to drive, to drive like the devil, and she goes never looking back. She is pregnant and feels that she just has to go on day by day, choosing what to notice and what to pass, to build a world of her own.

Boy goes to the shore, sees the glimmer of light on the water. He sits leaning his back on a pine tree, lets his gaze wander on the shores and woods, and fires the gun.

March 30, 2011

who am i????

who knows - not me... and why should i? better not to be, not to know - you do know it is said to increase pain, knowledge i mean...



maybe i am what i have done...  these were the first ones ...