i'm gonna love u till the stars all burn away....

yesssss, that is what i'm gonna do... love u... but who is u????????? Bloody hell!!! I have wanted to love for all my life, ALL MY LIFE!!! Why nobody wanted my love??? WHY???? I was not ugly if not so beautiful either and i was lively, a good lover... WAS??? I am still - nothing lost yet, no depressing imperfects!

Drifter? Yes, i might be one. It is nice to be able to find all u need in almost nothing: fresh air, cool water, something to eat, warmth and a place to sleep. Simple and lovely... somewhere in the sun...

my scale

Some people climb Mount Everest and some can't make it from the morning to the night - it is not even with us, the scale. And what is my scale??? I want to go and I want to stay... to do and to be lazy... to laugh but not too much and not to everything... to love, not everyone but some... to sleep well and be healthy... to think and imagine... to dream even - and why not? It is surely not too much? I might like a good car, central heating to my old and ramshackle house - it is too cold, +16 C inside. I don't like to owe money so i'd like to get some to pay my debts, and some to do something else... And i'd like to have lovers, one at a time but not for too long... and i want to feel the wind on my skin, smell the fragrance of winter or a dog... So i don't want much, just a little, and i do have a right to that. Is it off from someone else? No, i don't think it is... I'm so tired of this non-existing...

It makes me sick. I have rash on my arms. But i'm not going to scream. I'm tired of screaming, all screamers!!! I'm not going to nag, either. Just can't stand it, nagging!!! going on about the same things and again and 'u didn't understand, did u?' Fuck those naggers!!! There are a lot of professional naggers like teachers and social workers and nurses and so on. And there are habitual naggers who nag always - mostly men! Even if they say that women nag but it is a lie... priests are professional naggers, and many others.

I so loved to dance, and to dance with the music, not someone. The music lifted my hands and wrung my body, made it  jump and twist, made it alive!!! Why do i not understand the artistic dance, the aggressive and angular, jerky expression? Why do i like fluent and plastic movement, soft curves and controlled power? Why do i regard hiphop and rap not music but nagging? They are just shortcuts, like foulty diamonds and pearls... Real art is patience and beauty, no screaming but consolation.

Those women who take the wail - what does it mean? It meant nunnery, but today it means islam and hijab or burkha. Why do they do it? To be in peace? Yes, i think so, but it is a dear price of peace not to feel the wind or to see properly or to be ... too heavy a price...  well i have to go now... see u!!!

a hole is a hole is a hole...

There are those absolute moments like holes in time... First thought of reality, but reality doesn't exist really. The holes exist. And time, holes in time... can I go through... maybe someday - or not... maybe i have always gone through... to the walk in pineforest in August long long ago... on the cliffs in the sun and the transistorradio screaming of broken railings and shining rails... Time and Death. And the acceptance, that you allow things to happen.
What they want is acceptance of everything. They are collective and I'm not a part of it. I'm a loner and different. Looking for... looking for moments... moments of light... absolute moment... like... no, not like anything... existing only for seconds, maybe, moments of thruth, love, sorrow and longing...

A supporting experience - what did i think? Funny and tragic.  It seems there is time from this moment to eternity, and then suddenly it is all over. END OF TIME...

so tidy and neat, life away is cleaned...

- U r so lousy and sloppy! Ever gonna be nothing! Could u just restrain that imagination a bit!!! Keep some facts about! And u can't even write!  Well, one can do a lot of things with words - one can crush others or caress them - it is a choise we make every time we use words. Like hands: u can fondle or punch. One word leads to another and the result might come to mind still decades later either killing or lifting. It's truly amazing!

And I do know people who are perfectly tidy and competent, considering every word and never making mistakes! They have no penalties or such, but they'll have a large pension someday... They are bloody smug and stale!!

I knew once  - or knew and knew - met and talked anyway - one Nicolas. He was 80 yrs old and really strict, had always been. And somehow it just had happened so  that in all those yrs he had not once kissed a woman, not once anyone!!! I did not ask about men because he'd had an heartattack. But think about that: what is it like, life, 80 yrs never touching anyone??? And he's not the only one... by the way i know one teacher 55 yrs, an uncommonly pathetic figure in  a similar situation.And there are women, too.  It is a vicious circle: u want to have a romantic and carnal relationship with someone, but each time u think to touch u feel it, sin and dirty!!! It just is so sick, touching...

Why the fuck do we have a life??? For such showing-off minx? No way I'll consent!!! And it aint any climax of developement! No, it's just fruitless delirium and death. Zombielife... What is better in life than to taste someones bacterial growth with tongue deep in throat or sniffing the aroma of pubic hairs? Each with their style but quite useless to try to confine me to fucking dots!!!

light and shadow

It is said that a man has two sides. I've lost the other. U know: the good side. Only shadows remain.

Did I want it? Was it a conscious decision? No, it was not my choice at all. The people around me were so depressing, rigid and stuck to their archaic hierarchical and patriarchal structure. 'Dreams, dreams, that's all u have', i was told. Yes, dreams rather than that conservative scheisse. Dreams of pictures and stories, of Paris through moviecam: long swinging sweeps, moonllight and citylights, old and modern...

I just want to run from here. Not the place but the people. I'm dying. I hate this 'home, priest, job' -scheisse!!! I don't have to listen or to accept it, no. And the dreams are dying. I so want to see them grow wings and fly. Not to sink to a swamp of dying anaerobic organisms.

But everything is sinking, dragging me with to the depths of depression. I'm fighting, imagining that life exists somewhere in this world, that love is possible, and laughter without reason, just because it feels like laughing...

boring and rigid

boring, boring, boring.....  my life is boring.... and what else could it be???? U can't change the world so change urself... What the fuck??? Ok, I'm whining but it is too HOT!!! I just want to sleep, or be generally lazy... and nobody cares anyway of a womans word... never has and never will...
But i'm beginning to get fed up of boozing every day and night. I remember there was a time i did not booze. No, i liked to keep my brain clear and sparkling. But now as i don't know how to get on and forget the shit and advance to new pastures i do booze. To forget i suppose. Why nothing happens? Why am i nothing and my words less still?
What do i want? I don't know... nothing, i suppose. What should i want? money and success? a bigger house? no, too big already... more friends? yäk, i dont like anyone...  Most people are fat and slobby and stupid - why  should i like them? i dont!!!
Mom was thirty when she left. Just went out and never came back. That was cool, still is! Wish i could do the same. I just dont have anything to leave, no-one. So i can't walk out and be gone. Nobody would notice.

So i'm not going anywhere on doing anything.

we'd live your life better...

My head is aching and it's not booze because i had just three glasses of wine last night. It  seems my head has been aching for years, always! Maybe i have a tumor in my brain, and it grows and grows and my brain produces weird and wonderful hallucinations until the horrible and painful death! Yes, that'd suit me.

I've noticed that delicate, intelligent and imaginative people are prone to braintumors. They expect life to be fulfilling and when it kicks them to head their brains react and develope a killing defence. I've known three such persons and they are all dead. Can't be a coincidence - must have statistic value!!! Poor, poor head: all these thoughts and then a malignant growth! Sad! Selfpity maximised!! Back to normal!!!

Heathwave. I'm not suffering, just lying low. lazy. hot tea. cold tea... cold wine with lemonsoda...mmmmmmm.

In the night the street stank of catpiss, or is it more appropriate to say feline urine? Affectacion is irritating, but certain formality deep rooted. Well here we go again: my aristocratic annoyance and vulgar attractions!!!

Why is it that everyone else seems to know better how one should live ones life? Folks that don't have a life of their own know everything: when u need a priest or a judge or a doctor and even police!!! They know u booze too much, u betray ur spouse and that u r suicidal and deeply depressed!!! And they recommend therapy...From whom? Some mixed-up idiot who can't pronounce it's own name not to mention discussing something on deeper level. So the discussions tend to be flat, nondescript and insignificant. And what is the conclusion? I'm a narcistic pig - depressing! Vicious circle... Well they may have their therapy and 'be happy'-pills. I'll rather have my lousy lovers and stench of feline urine (or is it male?) in the nightly streets!

LONG LIVE NIGHTLY STREETS!!!!

what the fuck am i trying to do?

Practice some sort of therapy? But I dont believe in therapy. No, i believe in suffering and rising again, bloody hell...  rising again every morning like the sun - but i'm no sun... no, nothing resembling, not even stars, no light in me...  just know that death is closer every morning. Closer, always by my side, my friend in need and only consolation.

I dont like life but it is not my fault. Life has not been anyhow nice to me and i feel no obligation to worship human behaviour. No, i  find it ridiculous. Behaviour is ridiculous! And i'm not going to behave!!!! No, i dont like punk or booze or drugs and i'm no anorectic or bulimic. I just despice behaviour... No teacher ever was clever or wise or knew anything... they just read book aloud... and no-one else has been nothing but a ridiculous pain in the ass with their well-meaning 'have you found a job?' or 'have you got a place to study?' No, i dont want stupid jobs or imbecille schools or universities! I dont want to sell people meat or cosmetics! Or study grammar for five years!!
I rather love death and suffering... and live in my way what i want to live... no-one is going to tell me what to do!!!!! Or not to do!!!
Yeah, childish, narcistic, i know... but that's how it is!

You  know i was born in a house with central heating and we had three cars so i dont have any social or economical ambitions: it doesn't change anything! u may have whatever and it doesn't mean anything. Or it does to some - they behave differently with rich people than with poor. That is comedy!! for me, not them... they are so so so serious! Pinch them and they blow up! Full of shit, thats what they are, pretentious clowns kissing golden asses! Not that i haven't been kissing asses, but they have been flesh and blood! For i do love sex... Maybe it is my drug? And controll... meaning selfcontroll....

So this is a kind of diary... we shall see how long i'll endure this... so far nothing said but words pouring... you know i like my hands moving on the letters, finding the right ones, formulating thoughts... maybe i shall be an author. This is the glorious begining! Yeah, maybe i was a stillborn... depressing! I dont want to be author, so why did i say that? Because i did behave according to expectations! Hah! This is ridiculous...