August 21, 2010

i'm gonna love u till the stars all burn away....


yesssss, that is what i'm gonna do... love u... but who is u????????? Bloody hell!!! I have wanted to love for all my life, ALL MY LIFE!!! Why nobody wanted my love??? WHY???? I was not ugly if not so beautiful either and i was lively, a good lover... WAS??? I am still - nothing lost yet, no depressing imperfects!

Drifter? Yes, i might be one. It is nice to be able to find all u need in almost nothing: fresh air, cool water, something to eat, warmth and a place to sleep. Simple and lovely... somewhere in the sun...

August 20, 2010

my scale

Some people climb Mount Everest and some can't make it from the morning to the night - it is not even with us, the scale. And what is my scale??? I want to go and I want to stay... to do and to be lazy... to laugh but not too much and not to everything... to love, not everyone but some... to sleep well and be healthy... to think and imagine... to dream even - and why not? It is surely not too much? I might like a good car, central heating to my old and ramshackle house - it is too cold, +16 C inside. I don't like to owe money so i'd like to get some to pay my debts, and some to do something else... And i'd like to have lovers, one at a time but not for too long... and i want to feel the wind on my skin, smell the fragrance of winter or a dog... So i don't want much, just a little, and i do have a right to that. Is it off from someone else? No, i don't think it is... I'm so tired of this non-existing...

It makes me sick. I have rash on my arms. But i'm not going to scream. I'm tired of screaming, all screamers!!! I'm not going to nag, either. Just can't stand it, nagging!!! going on about the same things and again and 'u didn't understand, did u?' Fuck those naggers!!! There are a lot of professional naggers like teachers and social workers and nurses and so on. And there are habitual naggers who nag always - mostly men! Even if they say that women nag but it is a lie... priests are professional naggers, and many others.

I so loved to dance, and to dance with the music, not someone. The music lifted my hands and wrung my body, made it  jump and twist, made it alive!!! Why do i not understand the artistic dance, the aggressive and angular, jerky expression? Why do i like fluent and plastic movement, soft curves and controlled power? Why do i regard hiphop and rap not music but nagging? They are just shortcuts, like foulty diamonds and pearls... Real art is patience and beauty, no screaming but consolation.

Those women who take the wail - what does it mean? It meant nunnery, but today it means islam and hijab or burkha. Why do they do it? To be in peace? Yes, i think so, but it is a dear price of peace not to feel the wind or to see properly or to be ... too heavy a price...  well i have to go now... see u!!!

August 16, 2010

a hole is a hole is a hole...

There are those absolute moments like holes in time... First thought of reality, but reality doesn't exist really. The holes exist. And time, holes in time... can I go through... maybe someday - or not... maybe i have always gone through... to the walk in pineforest in August long long ago... on the cliffs in the sun and the transistorradio screaming of broken railings and shining rails... Time and Death. And the acceptance, that you allow things to happen.
What they want is acceptance of everything. They are collective and I'm not a part of it. I'm a loner and different. Looking for... looking for moments... moments of light... absolute moment... like... no, not like anything... existing only for seconds, maybe, moments of thruth, love, sorrow and longing...
A supporting experience - what did i think? Funny and tragic.  It seems there is time from this moment to eternity, and then suddenly it is all over. END OF TIME...

August 03, 2010

so tidy and neat, life away is cleaned...

- U r so lousy and sloppy! Ever gonna be nothing! Could u just restrain that imagination a bit!!! Keep some facts about! And u can't even write!  Well, one can do a lot of things with words - one can crush others or caress them - it is a choise we make every time we use words. Like hands: u can fondle or punch. One word leads to another and the result might come to mind still decades later either killing or lifting. It's truly amazing!

And I do know people who are perfectly tidy and competent, considering every word and never making mistakes! They have no penalties or such, but they'll have a large pension someday... They are bloody smug and stale!!


I knew once  - or knew and knew - met and talked anyway - one Nicolas. He was 80 yrs old and really strict, had always been. And somehow it just had happened so  that in all those yrs he had not once kissed a woman, not once anyone!!! I did not ask about men because he'd had an heartattack. But think about that: what is it like, life, 80 yrs never touching anyone??? And he's not the only one... by the way i know one teacher 55 yrs, an uncommonly pathetic figure in  a similar situation.And there are women, too.  It is a vicious circle: u want to have a romantic and carnal relationship with someone, but each time u think to touch u feel it, sin and dirty!!! It just is so sick, touching...

Why the fuck do we have a life??? For such showing-off minx? No way I'll consent!!! And it aint any climax of developement! No, it's just fruitless delirium and death. Zombielife... What is better in life than to taste someones bacterial growth with tongue deep in throat or sniffing the aroma of pubic hairs? Each with their style but quite useless to try to confine me to fucking dots!!!