my scale

Some people climb Mount Everest and some can't make it from the morning to the night - it is not even with us, the scale. And what is my scale??? I want to go and I want to stay... to do and to be lazy... to laugh but not too much and not to everything... to love, not everyone but some... to sleep well and be healthy... to think and imagine... to dream even - and why not? It is surely not too much? I might like a good car, central heating to my old and ramshackle house - it is too cold, +16 C inside. I don't like to owe money so i'd like to get some to pay my debts, and some to do something else... And i'd like to have lovers, one at a time but not for too long... and i want to feel the wind on my skin, smell the fragrance of winter or a dog... So i don't want much, just a little, and i do have a right to that. Is it off from someone else? No, i don't think it is... I'm so tired of this non-existing...

It makes me sick. I have rash on my arms. But i'm not going to scream. I'm tired of screaming, all screamers!!! I'm not going to nag, either. Just can't stand it, nagging!!! going on about the same things and again and 'u didn't understand, did u?' Fuck those naggers!!! There are a lot of professional naggers like teachers and social workers and nurses and so on. And there are habitual naggers who nag always - mostly men! Even if they say that women nag but it is a lie... priests are professional naggers, and many others.

I so loved to dance, and to dance with the music, not someone. The music lifted my hands and wrung my body, made it  jump and twist, made it alive!!! Why do i not understand the artistic dance, the aggressive and angular, jerky expression? Why do i like fluent and plastic movement, soft curves and controlled power? Why do i regard hiphop and rap not music but nagging? They are just shortcuts, like foulty diamonds and pearls... Real art is patience and beauty, no screaming but consolation.

Those women who take the wail - what does it mean? It meant nunnery, but today it means islam and hijab or burkha. Why do they do it? To be in peace? Yes, i think so, but it is a dear price of peace not to feel the wind or to see properly or to be ... too heavy a price...  well i have to go now... see u!!!